Recovery on a Rock

10/9/2020

The unmistakable sound of tractor trailers zooming down the interstate jars me from my early morning slumber…. or was it the abrupt cut out of the sound machine? What happened to that thing? Where am I? Reluctantly, I peel my little peepers open…..but it doesn’t really make a difference, I can’t see shit without my glasses… which are who knows where right now. How many times did I change beds let night? And then…..Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh. It all comes flooding back. I take inventory of my body and mind, and acknowledge that my whole skeleton aches and needs a good cracking, and my mood is sour….lip puckering sour…I’m in the bottom bunk with jack and he begins to stir, sensing that I am now awake…. or, maybe it’s the sudden lack of white noise and the presence of trucks doing zoomies down the highway.

 I sure do love to wake up next to that little cherub’s face… and for a second, I am elevated. I hear the other kids in various locations in the camper…. time to get going mama.

      In a panic, I try searching my phone for campgrounds to book for tonight. I am not down for a repeat of that cluster. No WiFi. I also note that we no longer have power. Ahhh, explains the sound machine. I go and poke Matt’s crusty foot sticking out from the bottom of our bed and ask him for the WiFi code he got last night. I also inform him we are without power. I am now looking at all of my camping apps to see what our options are. I WILL NOT proceed with packing up this camper again without a solid plan and a definite reservation somewhere. I am still hell bent on exploring Shenandoah National Park, and from what I can tell there are tons of campgrounds outside the park that would make a good homebase. It is 7:30 am and no one answers my calls. Most places don’t open until 8 or 9, so I leave voicemails and send a few email inquiries. What I can gather from some campground websites does not look good. I feel I’ve done all I can do at this hour of the morning, so it’s time to get up and feed the beasts. Turns out the am staff didn’t like our power sucking arrangement and had unplugged us. I feel like having paid for a room we didn’t step foot in, a little electricity and WiFi is a fair trade.

Poor Isabelle, she is almost too mature for her own good, and she knows last night was f*^%* up. She’s already making suggestions along the lines of “we need to get out of here” or “let’s just drive as far away as we can”…. and even the first whispering of “I want to go home” My darling, precious little fellow empath. She really feels the feels too. I am acutely aware of how I have failed them all. The logistical shortcomings are one thing, but my lack of composure last night is another. I remind myself that I’m only human… and we are together 24/7 and there are probably going to be times that I can’t keep it together. But I vow to do better. It is a new day. … I call a family meeting, and apologize for acting ugly (that’s what we call it), for yelling, and for not having found a campsite last night. I promise that I’m going to try harder to behave under stress…..and I ask them for the same thing in return. We are a team, and everyone has to do their part. You can’t be little doodoos in the backseat all day.

Well we got that out of the way, on to breakfast. I mean, I really do have the best intentions, but I am immediately challenged to uphold the promises I JUST made. I am already feeling irritated, and my fuse is short, and my tone is not the most pleasant.

The emails start coming in… sorry we are booked up… and so is everything in the valley…. My glasses today are dark, very, very dark… I feel the cloud settling in over my head. But I MUST have a plan. With my spotty cell service, I try to call 1000 more campgrounds. Sometimes the calls go through, sometimes they don’t. We embarked on this trip with the peace of mind that Matt’s truck has a built in hotspot. So, we really take the time this morning to try to dial that in….. guess what….. it’s not activated. So there goes that cushion.

Again we find ourselves stuck. My FOMO has already flared, and the anxiety that we aren’t already up in Shenandoah seeking out all the best hiking trails is pumping adrenaline through my veins. I have a sick feeling in my stomach, still trying to digest that we aren’t actually going to get to camp here. My pretty little vision of a weekend in Shenandoah has been shattered, and I’m just not in a good mental place to manage these emotions. I mean yes, I am an adult, but there are still let downs and disappointments in life that make me want to throw a full on, face down, legs flailing, arms punching, toddler tantrum. Next thing I know I am in a deep dark rabbit hole of mourning and despair. Matt’s gotten through his am calls at this point and is trying to swoop in and lighten the mood. God bless this man because I’m an absolute failure at this point. As much as I want to do better, I am just utterly dismal. I’m going to push some of the blame for this onto my dysfunctional thyroid…… and that certain time of month.

Bottom line, we know we want to go hike in the park and we know we want to get the family to Luray Caverns. There are not any camping options here, and I can’t waste any more time fighting with my phone. Reluctant to do so without a firm plan or campground reservation for the night, we head back up to the forest…. where we will be again without service. Here we go.

This time there is someone working at the park entrance. After checking out our rig she stops us to say, “ I hope you don’t think y’all are camping this weekend…… everything is completely full”. Talk about salt in an open wound…… she elaborates that the folks from DC and Richmond come and drop their campers on Wednesday to claim their spot for the weekend…. grade A %$#@hole move of you ask me ( but smart). …… if only we had left on Wednesday….. palm to the face.

So here we go up the mountain again. Matt daddy is trying to pump the kids up on the views and animal spotting. I am just silent. I can’t do it. Isabelle says “mom, where is your spirit today?”. I feel like such an ass, but I still cannot pull myself out of the mood. Matt makes up a game where we all pick our spirit animals for the day…. Isabelle.. fox…. Henry… turtle…. Daddy…. wolf….. Jack was assigned a deer…… now it’s my turn…. ugghhhh….. I actually said, “a grumpy grizzly bear” Who am I? One of the main purposes of this trip is to rise to challenges, develop better coping skills, and to provide my children with experiences and memories that will last a lifetime….. and here I am being a sulky pre-teen…. enough is enough.

We find a spot to get out and hike. It’s pretty cold up her on the top of the mountains so we have to dig out the heavy coats from the back of the truck for the first time. I get everyone bundled up. These sweet, sweet babies are really so excited to get out and do a trail….. it takes about 20 minutes to get everything prepared, deciding what backpack to bring which water bottles to pack, bring diapers or no? Snacks? Isabelle do you want your bird guide? Bathroom breaks, shoe changes, dog on the leash, and we are ready….. We didn’t even make it to the trail head. We did get almost across the big meadow of Big Meadow and that’s it. Henry’s hungry, Isabelle has to pee, jack wants to be carried, Timber is obnoxiously barking at anyone that walks by…. so we abort. It wasn’t a complete fail, we did find a grasshopper and some interesting plant life. There were these giant pods, that if busted open contained 100s of dandelion looking fly aways.. so that was neat.

But, down the rabbit hole I go again…. this time even deeper. Why didn’t I attempt these types of trips before I had kids? I’m just going to have to come back by myself and get lost in these glorious trails that surround. When will that ever happened? That is it, the dream is over, they are simply too young for this. What was I thinking? I am asking too much of them… We can’t make it 5 minutes of doing anything without somebody needing something. Am I torturing them, stuffing them in a car and driving across the country? I am in full on self-doubt mode. I can’t handle driving by all these trailheads calling to me as we meander down Skyline Drive. It is physically painful. All I want is to go get lost in the forest, feel connected to this beautiful land and Mother Nature in all her glory… and it just ain’t happening. I feel the hot tears snaking down my cheeks and hope they go unnoticed. OF COURSE NOT. Mom!?!? Why are you crying????

We decide to focus on getting to Luray Caverns. Maybe a tourist trap attraction will be just what these kids need. There has been too much negativity (I take the blame) and we just need to get them somewhere to have fun. Matt and I discuss stopping to get a fresh, hot lunch that someone else makes for us… and maybe even big fat IPA. Something that really says “I ALMOST hiked Shenandoah”. We stop at another overlook on the way down skyline, really just to get the kids bananas out of the back…. but there are some awesome, big boulders that the kids are stoked to climb on, and there are some amazing views to go with it. I am starting to come back to the present and I jump up on the rocks with them. I take some deep breaths and make an attempt to connect with each of the kids during this time up on the cliff. I reach a peaceful place somehow, I think realizing that there is still joy to be had and moments to be cherished on a smaller scale. We might not be hiking the AT like I so desire, but we are having some good fun out on these simple rocks. My kids are happy, we are wild and free… life is good…. my glasses start to get a few shades rosier.

That yummy lunch and big beer don’t materialize. So another parking lot picnic it is. All good, we are fed and excited. Luray Caverns is a marvel. There is some real trippy shit down in those caves. It is a little over a mile of winding paths, cutting through ancient, underground, stalactite/stalagmite laden caverns… and its breathtaking. The kids are digging it. Jack was a bit labile, as it was his nap time and that boy likes his sleep. He had a few moments of panic down there, especially if we got too close to the edge of something. I’m sure as a two-year-old it’s hard to imagine that this is a safe place to be. But he manages to get through without any major upset to the other cave dwellers. There is a reflection pool down there. The water is incredibly still and it mirrors the stalactites hanging from above in a way that you are suddenly Alice in Wonderland trying to figure out what is up, and what is down, and whether or not you unintentionally ate some magic mushrooms. I told ya, trippy.  Towards the end of the path there is a wishing well. I dig up some change from the backpack and each kid makes a wish…. Isabelle… to have a horse (of course). Henry…. to be a ninja turtle (OF COURSE) and Jack…. who knows… probably snacks, lots of snacks. I wish for our health and safety and the same for our loved ones while we are away. Can you imagine being the person that discovered this place? It’s like being transported to an alien land… it almost looks fake… like an attraction at Disney world. But it is just our incredible planet doing its thing.

We come up for air, and it’s go time. Mama’s gotta find a campground. I feel done with Shenandoah and ready to move on. In the future we will go back to the park for at least a week… and you had better believe we will be waving our reservations high in the air as we sail down Skyline Drive.

West Virginia is up next. We really prefer state parks, so that is always my go to when searching. I find Little Beaver State Park and snatch up a campsite.

The kids want to do the garden maze before we leave….. which sounds fun right? Not really that fun when you’ve got 3 kids going in 3 different directions. So, because of that it probably takes us double the amount of time to make it through, but we soldiered on and found our way out…..eventually.

Back on the road!

All the normal road shenanigans ensue, but I feel more refreshed and able to handle it. Driving into WV is also breathtakingly beautiful. My takeaway from this drive, and from the whole state of WV really, is that I am so, so very pleased to see so much undeveloped land. It is all towering, exquisite mountains…… no lights, signs, buildings, billboards……no adulteration to the landscape. Everyone should be like WV (maybe not the meth and poverty part, but the unspoiled landscape part). A little more than 75% of the state is covered in forest, and from what I can tell, its ALL glorious mountains and hills. The leaves are exploding with color, absolutely showing off right now. We have hit it at the most grand time of year. We get a few hours of daylight to soak it all in before the sun begins to fade behind a mountain and treats us to a sunset worth painting. I’ve got my family with me to share it all with. I am riding high again…. this is amazing… life is amazing…. and America is beautiful.