Lost and Found

December 27^th, 2022-

Its 2:30 am and I am eyes wide open after a menial 4 hours of sleep.  Running through my head are the events of the last few days…. which inevitably leads me to reviewing events of the last few weeks, months, hell the whole year!  And what a year it has been….   I am convinced that the wee hours of the morning are when you are most susceptible to your deepest anxieties, your inner critic, your shadow self… and once it grabs hold the chances of slipping back into a peaceful slumber….. well, forget it.  

I am alone, in our dark and chilly house in Atlanta, GA which is barely habitable at the moment. No water, only a few working lights, and with missing exterior walls… a struggling heat situation.  After 5 years of debate over whether or not it is a good idea to renovate our “problem house” we finally pulled the trigger.  At the moment, it feels almost regrettable, but I will choose to be happy and grateful about it…. for SO many reasons….. but mainly because it has launched us into our next great adventure…… the one that is supposed to begin at 4:30 am. But like most Nooney Tune quests… there has been a little bit of a hiccup.  (I have to give credit to my main squeeze Meli and her husband Ben for coining that term…. They call us the Nooney Tunes and it fits like a glove).

Rewind a few hours, prior to my current state of middle of the night psychosis, and I was tucking Matt and the kids in at a hotel near Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. After a numb goodbye I left and drove away, back to the city.   It’s a surreal feeling to know your three young children and husband are about to depart internationally without you, with no idea when you might be able to join them…. No answers in the present moment only questions.    Some strange mixture of worry, sadness, overwhelm and…. freedom.

Let me try to “nut-shell” for you guys what led up to this current quandary.  It is multi-layered, and I feel like you need to have an idea of each level to appreciate the overall picture. So I am going to try to make it make sense in the most minimal word count that I can. It feels like I have to start by mentioning that life after Colorado, back in Atlanta, was a challenge I wasn’t expecting. Everyone is okay, probably better and stronger than before, but you know life throws you the hard shit every now and then, and welp we had a healthy serving of it this year. Being mostly on the other side of it now, I can really see it and appreciate it, but damn if it ain’t rough when you are deep in it.  Again, everyone is fine, it was just time for a re-route, re-evaluation, soul-searching…. time to do some of that hard work, time for leveling up and growth.

Life after Colorado was a slippery slope back into old patterns, and dissatisfying ways of operating that were the ole familiar prior to the “Covid times” wake up we received. Somehow, we were blind to what was happening for a while, until the discontent and unease became too big to ignore. Matt and I were back on our separate paths, living parallel lives and individually and jointly getting the most lost we’ve ever been. We had stopped communicating and had no time to connect. I found myself in a place of doubt and uncertainty, of overwhelm and of questioning EVERYTHING. Like all those big “what is life” “what should I be doing” “what is my purpose” kind of questioning. The open wound of not being near my family was really started to sting and pondering where we are truly meant to live and where we would best thrive muddled my brain daily.

 Trying to decipher this modern world and its current events, while navigating raising a family is just something I could have never imagined or been prepared for. I got swept up in trying to understand the world and its problems and what is true and real and what my role here on this planet at this time is. Trying to dial in your values, morals, and ideology and live by them is exhausting. From daily logistics to the more existential issues, I felt totally  lost and overwhelmed. But probably my hardest realization was that I wasn’t very happy. My life is amazing, and I have a lot of gratitude for all the ways in which it is fantastic, but I wasn’t letting myself be happy.  I was torturing myself with trying to figure it all out and letting the present moment slip away.

Being a mother use to bring me great joy, but the kids are getting older and the dynamic is so different now I found myself struggling with this role for the first time.  I wasn’t showing up as the mother I wanted to be, I constantly felt impatient, irritated, and burnt out. I needed to focus on myself and figure out what was going on there, I needed to spend some time mothering the mother. But when you are the sole caregiver, that time is non-existent. I realized that I had lost touch with myself so deeply, that now that I was trying to tap back into her, it seemed like nothing was there. Matt and I had turned away from each other instead of into each other, and life was feeling lonely again. All of my relationships were struggling and my cup was on E.

The universe gives you what you need if you let it.  It comes disguised as calamity and drama, but if looked at with the right lens, it’s really all an opportunity…..an invitation to take charge of your life and future.  We had to majorly shake things up and get our priorities straight again. We have had to do some deep work on ourselves and our relationship, but here we are at the end of this tumultuous chapter I believe, and hopefully back on track for a happy, fulfilling life… for ourselves and for our family as a whole. I don’t even begin to claim to have it all figured out, I just know we are in a better place and committed to healing and growth.

After a few months of true personal upheaval, the massive overhaul of the Oak Grove house suddenly presented itself. All these years of talking, planning, designing, hiring and firing of architects and design build firms, and even a failed attempt to take on the project ourselves… we finally found the perfect person to help us with our project. But ultimately, we were unprepared for it to actually happen. It showed up like a freight train, and we were scrambling to get stuff moved out of the way.  It became apparent very quickly that it would not be in anyone’s best interest to remain at the house through the enormous project that was underway (we had told ourselves all along that we would just live through it). Short term rentals are hard to come by and Airbnb’s are stupid expensive…… but we ponied up and found a place to stay relatively close to our neighborhood. The whole family started inhabiting the rental after Thanksgiving, with terms to have the house until December 31^st. Our real home wouldn’t be ready until (hopefully) some time in mid-February.  With the end of the year rapidly approaching, the problem of what to do next quickly became something we really had to look at.

Matt and I had travelled to Costa Rica for our 10 year anniversary in 2021. We talked a lot then about what a wonderful place it would be to bring the kids to spend an extended amount of time. Costa Rica has all the addicting qualities…… stunning landscape, wildlife galore, safe, ecofriendly, blue zone, sunsets, friendly Ticos, beaches,mountains,jungles, waves, delicious cuisine, activity and adventure…. It has it all.  We wanted to come back for more….. just had no idea when that might be. Well fast forward to the end of November 2022, it was all of a sudden looking like a viable option…..  and these are the reasons why….

   After much research, soul searching, and listening to our hearts, we decided to homeschool the kids this year. They were asking to be homeschooled after a tough year of returning to the public school system.  I could write a novel about the process we have been through trying to decipher the right educational path for our children, but I will spare you the details. Just know that every factor under the sun was weighed in making this choice, and it was probably one of the main contributing factors to pickling my brain and the great 2022 meltdown. I really can joke about all of this now, that’s how far I’ve come, but it was a weird hard year.  Anyhoo, our undeniable itch for travel and exploration also helped push us in the homeschooling direction, knowing we needed freedom from the educational institution to be able to adventure when called.   I don’t want to demean traditional schooling and/or those people who have dedicated their lives to the field of education…. They are majority absolute angels…….we just simply have been unable to find the correct fit for our family. In the meantime, as we stay in a constant mode of evaluation and search for the right thing….. we homeschool/unschool….. this year it has looked a lot more like unschooling….. which brought its share of mental cargo and personal challenge for all. A story for another day.

Somehow with all the drama the last few months had held, it was like we had almost forgotten why we had made that choice to homeschool the kids until we were looking at being displaced come December 31^st.   That out of the box thinking started bubbling back up, and soon Matt and I were having talks like, “hey, remember how much we wanted to bring the kids to Costa?” and “wouldn’t this be a great opportunity to go check out a new place until the house is done? They could learn so much” “isn’t this why we decided to homeschool in the first place? They could work on their Spanish”, “wouldn’t it be a great opportunity to slow down and reconnect?”  It’s middle of winter, kids are on break from soccer, holidays will be over, the exorbitant amount we are spending on a rental we could spend anywhere, and the only thing we will miss is a cold, wet gloomy Atlanta winter and seasonal depression…. No brainer right?

And what about work you ask?  Well,  Matt’s story is his own and not mine to share, but he has made some revolutionary changes to his relationship with work and his level of involvement in running the day to day of his company. The short story is that he can do what he needs to do remotely. I did return to work in a strange capacity this year as a doula and in working for a wonderful homebirth midwife (with some administrative duties, and as a birth assistant to her). I can do some of what I do for her business remotely, and otherwise have just decided to take some weeks off of attending births.

We need healing, we need to slow down, we need to focus on our relationships with ourselves, with each other, and with our children. We have been living life at 100 mph and really started to drown in it all. We are fortunate to have achieved financial security for this moment in time, anything could change at any moment … but we are choosing to take advantage of the opportunities that affords now. We know we how fortunate we are, but we had to work very hard to get here. We are trying to bring ourselves back to living life in alignment with our values.  We need to balance the grind with things that bring joy and meaning to our existence. One of those many things is travel, adventure and learning about and loving cultures all over this beautiful planet. Costa Rica felt like the only answer. Total removal from all the stressors that rule the day to day, with the only option being Pura Vida.

Planning began for a 10 day tour of the country prior to settling into our 5 week rental in Playa Guiones.  Matt poured his heart and soul into planning an escapade that would offer everyone in the family fulfilment. We just needed to get there…… and that’s when it started to get complicated.

Here is what we were up against.

-The holidays-  This consisted of the kids having a total mind melt around not being able to get their Christmas decorations out, and be at their beloved home for Christmas this year. I get it. After the last 2 years of Christmas in Colorado they laid claim that all they want is to be at their home for the holidays with all the family coming to stay and celebrate together.  A beautiful image indeed, but nowhere near the realm of possibility. They would have to settle for a few blow ups in the front yard of the rental house.  A lot of trying conversations, but we made it through this great debate. We did manage to come up with a plan to visit with all the grandparents and aunts, uncles, nieces, but those plans spanned 3 whole weeks and required traveling to NC the 19th-22nd. As everyone knows, December is dedicated to logistical gymnastics, parties and more parties, and a whole lot of boxes to check. I don’t want to sound like the grinch, but this Christmas didn’t bring the joy of the season in the way it can. I blame that on myself and being overwhelmed and stretched too thin. The kids have been uncharacteristically whiny and ungrateful and tired of being displaced, unstructured, and somewhat neglected in the sense that Matt and I have been so bombarded with other life things, and unable to be very present with them.   I am however beyond grateful to have gathered with most of the loved ones.  With departure date for Costa being 12/27, we had minimal time to move everything out of the rental house, back to the dump zone of the Oak Grove house, and pack for 6 weeks in another country. 

-Construction-  The Oak Grove house is full steam ahead construction and requiring at least weekly or bi weekly meetings with the crew. Time spent at HD, tile shops, showrooms, etc..The project snowballed and is affecting much more of the house than we had originally thought, and the pressure to make decisions and nail design mounted quickly….. everything needing to be arranged before our rapidly approaching departure. More rooms requiring clearing, with nowhere for any of it to go. We also have an investment property in TN that is in full blown renovation also requiring monitoring, design, and decision making…….  First world bougie problems I know….. I am telling myself to shut up too, but I’m just trying to paint the picture of the utter chaos of our lives leading up to this departure

-Floods-  Yes, plural….# 1 The Oak Grove house flooded in October….. main sewer line totally clogged up resulting in a what they call a category 3 flood (contaminated water). Literal shit water drowning the basement, which we had been using as our family room.  Matt had left for a month in Colorado the day before this happened. # 2- an unlikely late November storm that resulted in massive amounts of rain while half the house was missing resulted in another basement flood…… the basement that had just been mitigated and reconstructed from the first flood was now under water again.   You just can’t make this shit up. # 3   after returning from church on Christmas Eve, we found the rental house to be flooded. I’m sure many of you have the single digit temps from last week fresh on the brain…. Well yep, the rental house had a pipe burst and flooded on the Eve of Christmas.

-Mold-  after the second flood at Oak Grove and what we thought was a decent clean up we discovered mold growing in the floors and walls of the basement.  I just can’t even go there with this one guys.

– Christmas Eve in a hotel- Now I’m really not going to complain about this one. Once the kids got over their second round of Christmas disappointment after being told we wouldn’t be able to stay in the rental house for Santa to come…… we quickly leaned in to the silver lining. I was off the hook for cooking multiple Christmas related meals, there was room service, and an indoor pool. What more can you want.   I will say that pulling off a Santa situation in the same room with 3 half sleeping kids is not for the faint of heart.  We were up until 2:00 am trying to conspicuously make it appear that Santa had showed up for the Noonan kids on Christmas after their abrupt detour to a hotel.

So now it is December 26^th, and we are about to check out of our hotel. We have to go completely move out of the rental (which we didn’t get to do over the last two days as we had planned because, you know, the flood) and pack for Costa (which we also hadn’t gotten to because of all the other things that kept popping up to deal with).  I’m packing the room up (I’m loosing track of how many times I’ve packed and unpacked between going from house to house, and NC twice in the last 3 weeks, and now hotel life), Matt, with a stack of passports in front of him, was doing something on the computer related to the upcoming Costa trip, when he looks up at me in absolute horror. “Lauren…. Oh my god”. Now I don’t claim to be clairvoyant, but in that moment, I knew exactly what he was about to say……. “Your passport is expired”.  No #$%$#ing way. I ran over and snatched it out of his hands as the color drained from his face. April 9, 2022.  There it was in plain sight, expired………….